Toilet Humour (Warning: VULGAR)

Back in the UK, a trip to the loo was by and large a pleasant experience. A little while sitting on the porcelain throne during the daily bowel movements could only be described as a relaxing way to spend some time. A magazine, or perhaps a book, would help pass the time and it was something you might even say you looked forward too.

Whilst you may have heard tell of high tech Japanese toilets, light years ahead of our own which warm the seat, clean your bottom and then make you a cup of tea, these, unfortunately, are the exception rather than the rule. Instead, the vast majority of WCs that I encounter on a regular basis are of the stone age “squatting” variety. All the toilets in both my schools are of this type which changes going for a No. 2, from a pleasure to somewhat of an ordeal.

Gone is taking a comfy seat and relaxing whilst you let gravity run its course, instead you spend a precarious period hunched over a hole in the ground trying to maintain perfect balance, letting your thighs take the strain. This is far from relaxing; there’s no sitting around reading, you get in and out as fast a possible. The comprising position, added to the sub-zero temperatures and lack of heating makes the overall experience something I’d rather not repeat. Unfortunately, I have to. Every day.

I have also noticed a slight change in the fragrance of my deposits since I arrived. Whilst I make no claims that they formerly smelled of roses, I am fairly sure that the aromour has taken a turn for the worst. Other friends have noticed a similar change: “After dropping the kids off at the pool, I look down and think - I just don’t know you anymore”. I can only conclude a diet of raw fish and miso soup is responsible.

COMING SOON: Snowboarding Through Trees, Accidents will happen.